NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

It’s revealed that Boris Johnson wrote his own wedding vows last weekend. Or rather, he wrote two versions: one in favour of forsaking all others and one against, and picked one at the last minute.

Following the surprise ceremony, it’s feared the ‘Save the date’ cards he sent out for July next year actually signify when Covid ‘freedom day’ will finally come around.

TUESDAY

After the World Health Organisation decided to give Greek letters to Covid variants to stop ‘stigmatising’ the countries where they were first identified – as if that would make one iota of difference – the Greeks wonder what on earth they did wrong to become the scapegoats.

WEDNESDAY

More details are revealed about the new supersonic airliner that can whisk passengers from New York to London in just over three hours… getting them to their five-hour immigration queue nice and early.

Car insurance companies say the legal changes to whiplash claims mark a change of direction that came too suddenly for them – and demand compensation.

THURSDAY

Criminals whose Huddersfield cannabis farm stole so much electricity that neighbours couldn’t even boil their kettles to make a cuppa say they only wanted to ‘warm the pot’.

Carpenters tell the owners of the replica Noah’s Ark stuck on the Ipswich waterfront that it would have been seaworthy if it hadn’t been made out of bits of 2x2.

F RI DAY

Priti Patel condemns the ecotrend for ‘rewilding’ gardens, saying we should be tough on lawn order, and keep control of our borders.

SATURDAY

Artists trying to replicate the success of the Italian who sold an invisible sculpture for £13,000 say they’ve drawn a blank. Now what are they bid for it?