NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days… MONDAY After scientists identified faint signs of life on an exoplanet 120 light years away, Home Secretary Suella Braverman tries to strike a deal to send migrants there. Amid claims that Rishi Sunak might get rid of the triple lock, the governor of Wandsworth Prison says she already tried that and it didn’t work out too well. TUESDAY Greta Thunberg says she wishes more world leaders were like Kim Jong-un, after he took a train for his powwow with Vladimir Putin. Meanwhile, Northern Railway tries to strike a deal with North Korea after reading that the Dear Leader’s train can travel at a dizzying 28mph. Plus it’s bulletproof, whereas the Hull to Bradford service can be halted by an errant leaf. WEDNESDAY After business leaders said employees should work at 85 per cent capacity to avoid burnout, civil servants say there’s no way they are quadrupling their workload. THURSDAY Moves to ban the American Bully XL continue in the UK Parliament… and in the US courts seeking to hold Donald Trump to account. FRIDAY Celebrity chef Rick Stein is furious about last week’s media reports about him charging £2 for condiments at his fish and chip restaurant, saying the news came from an unreliable sauce. The scientist who last week claimed that a vegan diet is good for cats is revealed to be 47 sparrows in a lab coat. SATURDAY Pensioners who followed new advice to join a book club to beat depression say it’s not working… after being asked to read Theresa May’s new memoirs.