SOAP WATCH

Why are soapland folk so unambitious in their professional lives? Take Corrie’s Tommy Orpington. He’s been playing for Weatherfield County for what feels like 50 years and has only just announced his retirement. If he was so great, how come he was never headhunted? We never heard so much as the crinkle of a £5 note trying to buy him up for a better side. As for his team mates… well, who are they? Can you name one? And why have they never had a pint in the Rovers? Failures, all.

It’s the same with beauty and hair salons. Corrie’s Audrey, Emmerdale’s Bernice, Eastenders’ Denise. Why didn’t they ponder, even for a second, as they raked in the takings from their two clients a week, that maybe in Manchester, Leeds or central London, greater fortunes awaited them?

Corrie’s Carla is probably the most ambitious of all soapland’s thriving entrepreneurs, but she’d last ten seconds on Dragons’ Den before the resounding, collective cry of ‘I’m out!’ went up. As Shakespeare’s Marc Antony said, ‘Ambition should be made of sterner stuff.’

■ NOT SO SWEET TALKING

Well, it was only a matter of time. Having tried out dressing as the Quality Street Big Purple One and the Green Triangle, Linda has thrown caution to the wind and come as the entire tin. Get your sunglasses on, you’ll be blinded. She always endures some kind of trauma when she’s in Quality Street mode, and now is no exception when she vents her fury over Zack breaking Nancy’s heart, little knowing that Mick (pictured, with Linda) warned him off. Why can’t the adults in Walford just stay out of their kids’ lives?

It’s quite unbelievable that Groundhog

Day has come around yet again with Billy being poor. How many more times must we endure this? Please, just have him buy a lottery ticket and win; he’s running out of sad puppy dog expressions.

Gray may have met his match in Chelsea, who clearly has no interest in the kids coming with the package of the good-looking guy and the house. Her hold on him (well, more of a vice-like grip) intensifies when she persuades him to skive off work. But what does she find in his car that might bring his house of cards tumbling down?