SOAP WATCH

Will there ever be a ‘normal’ child in Soapland? Maybe they don’t exist in real life, either, but at least a much higher percentage of kids in the world we know are not borderline weirdos or psychos.

Corrie’s Max and Hope are currently competing for top spot in the Bad ’Uns stakes, with Max just about edging out his rival (which really takes some doing). There was near anarchy at Weatherfield Comp (well, as much as a dozen pupils can muster) when the (mostly) female students turned out with placards to object to boys taking pics under girls’ skirts. As far as I could see, Adi was the only boy there – ironic given he’s been showing more than a passing interest in Summer’s skirt for some months now.

In Eastenders, Gray’s runaway children (what other reason can there be for their absence?) are now a lost cause, while Aaron turned out to be Bonnie and Clyde rolled into one (but with a much better hairdo).

Where does it all go wrong? Is there a Soapland gene that everyone is bound to inherit at birth? Or is there a simpler explanation? Personally, I blame the parents.

THREE’S A CROWD

Even I can tell that the rubber baby in the hospital is unwell, and I’ve never had kids. The mystery is how Gray and Chelsea notice anything at all, let alone that the baby is straight off the Fisher Price reject pile. Most of their time is spent dealing with the many problems that arise in the hospital room (small wonder the baby did a runner and put in a replacement), not least Gray’s sidelong glances that make him look even more dodgy than if he had ‘Guilty, it was me wot dunnit’ tattooed across his forehead.

Now Kheerat (pictured, centre, with Chel

sea and Gray) joins the throng, desperate to get into Gray’s good books, while working to bring him down. Chelsea is not happy to see him, especially when a nurse recognises him from the Chantelle time. Back at home, why is Gray in major SGM (Sidelong Glance Mode) again? For every one of his SGM moments, Bobby has an SITMD one. Staring Into The Middle Distance has become a big thing for Bobby, constantly caught like a rabbit in the headlights (or more like a rabbit stew; it’s that immobile). Stunned by the obvious racism around him, he’s in for more of it when he decides to propose to Dana.