Let’s focus on giving, not taking

AT THE moment, I have three friends who are suffering from cancer and I find it has concentrated my mind on how to live. I’m not talking about trying to keep healthy, although that matters. No, it’s about how to live the best life possible.

Each of my three friends is a role model. One (whom I think of as the sister I never had) had her operation yesterday and will (I know) continue to blaze, warming the hearts of those lucky enough to know her.

My second friend has been treated for a long time, but never complains or allows it to hamper her extraordinary, creative life.

The third friend, an Italian, is the oldest — both in age and the length of our friendship. I first met A in 1971 when I was a young journalist and, although she was more than 12 years my senior, we formed a deep bond.

A gentle, sweet soul, she lives in North Norfolk, which makes it hard to visit. And the other day her email made me cry. She wrote: ‘I am psychologically all right — and grateful that I am still here to love my dear friends.’

She wrote in a similar vein many months ago: ‘I am so glad that I have wonderful friends to love.’

So please join me in marvelling at her emphasis — active, not passive. Not about being loved, but about having love to give. Not about clinging to life for her own sake, but because it enables her to love others.

Writing this column I’ve become used to people longing to be loved — indeed, bewailing the fact that they are not.

I don’t say that critically, just as a statement of fact. Nor do I want to imply that I have become indifferent to their needs, because I haven’t.

But my friend A inspires the thought that if only the wish could be flipped, making it about giving not taking, about generosity not need — then the world might turn out to be more embracing.

The vast energy of love can sustain us unto death — and work miracles.

■ Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, london W8 5TT, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. Names are changed to protect identities. Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.