I just want peace for my poor sister

DEAR BEL,

A WEEK or so before the first lockdown my 79-yearold sister suffering from Alzheimer’s was placed into a nursing home. She and I had not seen each other for a number of years due to a quarrel.

In January 2021, we were told Susan had advanced breast cancer and would receive end-of-life care. Last May, once allowed, I visited and, though Susan didn’t know me, she accepted me and obviously our falling out was forgotten.

This has been the silver lining — that she does not die before we made up. Her only visitors are her youngest son, his wife and me.

To see Susan like she is — often violent and aggressive to us and the staff — is heart-breaking. I’m thankful Susan is not fully aware. For us it is torturous to know that she ‘kicks up’ when having her dressing changed.

She is also now bedridden, as she fell out of bed in April and broke her hip. So no more meeting with other residents. Just in her bed day-in, day-out looking at the TV. It is no life and if I could I’d do anything to help her pass into the next life. I pray for her to be eased from suffering.

So here is the truth. I would do anything to help Susan out of her agony. If we had an animal and kept it in this state we would be prosecuted, wouldn’t we? Writing from my own distress, I would love to know how you and other readers feel about the issue. DIANA

You describe a terrible situation for you, your nephew and his wife and I know countless readers will recognise it and, in their empathy, share your wish for peace for your poor sister.

During my mother’s last, unhappy months she often said that if she could take a pill to end it all, she wouldn’t hesitate, and I told her I understood why she felt that way.

We live too long, don’t we? And when the protracted end of life is as agonising as your sister’s . . . well, many of us would long for that merciful pill.

Readers will have different views, I am sure, but I have always been a supporter of Assisted Dying.

Many years ago I did one of the most moving interviews of my career. one of the guests on my BBC2 series about bereavement was the acclaimed actress Zoe Wanamaker.

Her father, the great actor and director Sam Wanamaker, had died the year before, after a long battle with prostate cancer.

on camera, Zoe talked of how unbearable it was to watch his agony, and of how she longed for the strength to place a pillow over his face.

She told me she could see the pleading in his eyes — and that was the worst thing of all.

Society must be ever watchful over those who have the elderly and sick in their care, yet the law as it stands is brutal.

To me, it’s inhumane that the Suicide Act and the law of murder govern the wishes of a dying person, and criminalise those (a loved one or doctor) who act compassionately on that person’s request for help to die.

To admit that the issue is full of moral pitfalls should not stop us acknowledging your point about a suffering animal.

Even those with faith do not believe that unrelieved suffering can be the will of God, though death itself may be.

All of us would like to see specialist palliative care available throughout the NHS, but that would not remove the suffering you describe.

I feel for you and wish for peace for Susan soon.