Hard to heal after husband’s affair

LAST year my husband (of nearly 25 years) had a four-month affair. I found out after it ended — a gut instinct he was up to something led me to his credit card bill.

So I saw a hotel booking for the time he said he was walking with friends. Confronted, he confessed.

As you can imagine I was — and remain — devastated. He has betrayed me and I’m finding it hard to come to terms with it. We separated for two months at the end of last year, but he’s back and we’re trying to work on our marriage.

Two weeks ago I started counselling — so it is early days. But he has refused to attend since he ‘doesn’t want to discuss it with a stranger’.

He said he started the affair because he wasn’t happy in our relationship and the other woman gave him attention. He didn’t voice any unhappiness to me. I’m led to believe the weekend was the first time they had sexual contact — however, he says it wasn’t full intercourse.

The other woman ended the affair because of his age and marital status. I feel sad and confused and at a crossroads.

We still love one another but my feelings are getting in way off me healing and moving on.

I’m shocked he did not think about his marriage vows during this time. However, he says he is sorry and it was a mistake and he wants to bury it. But this is easier said than done. I welcome your thoughts and any advice you can offer.

USUALLY i try to vary letters, yet last week’s lead was quite similar to this one. January can be a sad time for marriages — it can call life into question for married and unmarried alike. so it’s not surprising to receive another letter about a reoccurring problem.

After last week’s i had a letter from a male reader, Ds, who wrote: ‘i feel sorry for both Diane and her husband. We all know how easy it can happen, the need for a little spice can bubble to the surface uninvited. i was happily married to my late wife for 47 years and while i never betrayed her, i cannot say that i remained totally faithful in my mind . . . We had a satisfactory love life, although fairly predictable after so long. i was hoping you’d recommend that Diane spice up their relationship, by texting or writing to each other e.g. flirting; something they might not have done for many years.’

That could be good advice — although, of course, if you are disillusioned, angry and hurt, writing flirty texts won’t come easily. The problem is how to reach the stage where you might want to.

it interests me that you had no inkling that your husband was having an affair, yet later somehow twigged ‘that he was up to something’. perhaps guilt and excitement made him more affectionate to you when the affair was happening, but he was unable to hide despondency when it was over.

you express shock ‘ that he did not think about me or our marriage vows’ but when a person (man or woman) is intrigued and excited by the thought of that ‘spice’ Ds mentions, ‘ marriage vows’ are the last thing on their mind.

i’m glad you sought counselling and that you recognise it could be a long process, but your husband owes it to you to give it a try as well. Tell him that the fact that the Relate (or other) counsellor is a stranger is the reason the process becomes possible. No judgment is made but you will both be coaxed into talking about how each of you has viewed the past few years.

i urge you calmly to express your needs and explain that you see this as a necessary step. if he really does love you he should attend to your wishes.

yes, it is hard to forgive when naturally it’s impossible forget a betrayal.

sometimes you can build a new stage in a marriage without actually forgiving. it involves saying: ‘you wronged me and are no longer the person i thought you were, but you must now help me learn to love the person you have become.’

it is ‘early days’. i wish you both luck in rebuilding the love that you still share.