Keep cool, Ma’am, I am a spider superspy

The name is Webb,

Horatio Webb, I’m a spy, licensed to kill. I lurk around the drainpipes And swing on your windowsill.

I scuttle about in bathrooms, Hiding in the loofah by

the tap. I spin my webs for England — It’s amazing what I trap.

I hide in the darkest places, An arachnid superstar. You might have seen

me dangling From the wing mirror of

your car.

My current case concerns

the Queen. Her sleep has been disturbed By a noxious bluebottle

called Blofeld And his behaviour must

be curbed.

I wait in the darkest corner Of the royal four

poster bed.

Blofeld rubs his front

legs together. What evil thoughts are in

his head?

The Queen requires her

beauty sleep Free from his annoying drone. Tonight, I will dispatch him. Her Maj is not alone.

This dreadful fly has met his match!

As he’s about to settle on

the Queen, I quickly spin the

stickiest web That there has ever been.

I drop it with deadly accuracy Between her head and the

corgi on her lap. Blofeld, in full buzz, flies in — And I’ve caught him in my trap!

Next morning, the

Queen awakens. Her maid brings tea and toast

in bed. Putting on her crown, she

smiles and says: ‘That’s the best night’s sleep

one’s ever had!’

So, please try not to kill any spiders, Or endanger their condition, Because it could be me, Horatio Webb, Working on a secret mission. Mrs anita Bass, Theydon Bois, Essex.