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I miss love after losing my husband

DEAR BEL,

I’M STRUGGLING to find a new life after losing my husband of more than 40 years to cancer.

We were a tight-knit couple who did most things together and rarely went out socially separately. Our marriage and sex life was good, but not without difficulties.

I’ve been digging deep into myself lately to try to make a new set of friends, as I realise that I do need interaction with others, although I am not afraid of my own company.

My husband was the more dominant partner in our marriage, although he wouldn’t have agreed with that — but I found myself going along with him, as it made life easier.

Since his death four years ago, I have found my voice and have made changes to suit the way I want to do things and actually rather enjoy being in control. However, I do miss having someone special in my life and would like to have that again.

I have found that I’m more attracted to ladies now and wonder how to meet like-minded women looking for companionship/love... but feel nervous about joining gay groups.

I’m 65 and suffer from arthritis, which stops me joining walking groups, as I have limitations with distances but still do gardening and DIY.

The groups I have joined all seem to be older people — and despite my age and disabilities, I am young at heart and not ready for that yet. Do you have any ideas?

WINNIE

WINNIE, I am so sorry to read about the loss of your husband and your struggle to reconstruct your life. Many widows and widowers reading this will sympathise. It’s also easy to understand why in some ways you gradually found yourself strangely liking your new independence. It’s not uncommon.

Some years ago I did a Radio 4 interview with the poet Jenny Joseph, most famous for: ‘When I am an old woman I shall wear purple.’

She told me it was only after the death of her husband, after a long, happy marriage, that she returned to writing poetry and found herself winning prizes. Perhaps many of us have the possibility (buried within) of more than one life.

If you were in your 30s, expressing new attraction to women, I would have a different answer to the one I’m writing, because it’s obvious to me you would never sign up to a lesbian dating site or anything like that. So can I suggest that a focus on friendship is the way to start, and see where new relationships lead.

Many older women find contentment with new partners who happen to be female, without overtly identifying as gay. Anxiously looking for love can get in the way of finding friends, but if a new companion turns out to become a devoted life partner, then so much the better.

It’s hard to know what to suggest because I don’t know where you live and you’ve already tried joining groups. Is there a local gardening club? What about that magnificent organisation, the WI?

Or meetings of the University of the Third Age? Have you investigated exercise classes for your age group? Pilates? (It would be good to build up some muscle strength, because you must do everything possible to keep mobile, even if you can’t walk long distances.)

You can then be the proactive one who suggests coffee and a chat afterwards.

Saying that the groups you’ve joined ‘seem to be older people’ is perhaps a tad unfair, because how do you know some of those people aren’t ‘younger at heart’ just like you?

At this stage it is vital to keep your mind as open as possible and if a suggestion is made that feels all wrong for you (say, going to a church coffee morning or learning embroidery), then you should be all the more determined to give it a try, since you can have no idea who might be whirling towards you.

You can take control of your life in so many marvellous ways, but you have to give destiny plenty of opportunities as well.

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2022-12-03T08:00:00.0000000Z

2022-12-03T08:00:00.0000000Z

https://mailonline.pressreader.com/article/282183655076844

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