Mail Online

Why do I yearn for my toxic parents’ ‘blessing’?

You have survived appalling treatment by both parents and need to be congratulated for having the courage to walk out of your home and your country at the age of just 20 and start a new life here.

I think the fact that you did that (having no English and no friends) shows just how bad your childhood was. Your original email was twice as long and leaves me in no doubt about what you went though.

That is why, I’m sorry, but I have no time for that nonsense about ‘You will never ever be successful without your parents’ prayer/blessing’.

I’ve never heard it before, have no idea where it comes from, and don’t want to hear it again, as it is rather an insult to those (including you) who had terrible families yet made successes of their lives and loves. Can you see that? Do you actually think that, after all this time, the so-called ‘blessing’ of a brute who smashed his elderly mother-in-law in the face is worth having?

That a terrible old bully who hit his own daughter again and again has anything remotely

resembling a ‘prayer’ within his misbegotten soul?

Whatever you decide about seeing your parents in the future I beg you not to be influenced by misplaced sentimentality.

There is such a yearning behind those words: ‘We are desperate to be part of a nice, loving family.’

You tell me almost nothing about your husband, but I wonder if he too is alienated from relations who may or may not live in this country.

I can see how lonely you feel, yearning for your children to know grandparents who would love and help care for them.

Sadly, that cannot be — a cruel truth that’s so hard for you to accept. But you have to if you truly wish to be liberated from that past.

You made a brave, new life, learned English well enough to write perfectly, got married, had twins. Your father’s abuse was behind you — a traumatic memory that you re-experienced when he came to visit.

Now you are still putting yourself through hell by telephoning the mother who did nothing to protect you. Why do you bother?

I am on your husband’s side, because it is certainly bad for your children to see you so upset and angry. Will you really allow this to continue?

Regular readers know how often

I preach forgiveness and approve the idea of the family.

But in this case... No! You cannot change the past, but you can control the all-important NOW.

Keep your toxic parents at a distance, stop caring about what they think, and concentrate on your own family — raising children already blessed by knowing so much more happiness than you ever did.

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2022-12-03T08:00:00.0000000Z

2022-12-03T08:00:00.0000000Z

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