Mental Health

My daughter is struggling on all fronts mentally and frequently feels ill and needs to go to bed. She suffered from anxiety as a teenager. Now that she is a hardworking mum with a responsible job and a toddler, it has returned. She says that one of the main causes is her partner’s mother who, before the birth, told my daughter that she didn’t like babies. She also appears not to have boundaries, turning up at their house without notice and letting herself in. She’s always critical of my daughter, her son and their house. My daughter feels as if she is being stalked, and although her partner has confronted his mother, her behaviour continues. It is worse now there is a grandchild. According to my daughter, his mother has a sense of entitlement and is dismissive about me and my husband. We love her partner but he’s weak in dealing with his mum, fearing that she will ‘cut him off’. She left him to live with his grandma until he was four, only returning after she had a husband and another baby on the way. He still doesn’t know why he was left or who his father is and it has never been discussed. Now my daughter wants to come with her child to live with us. We have the room, but I don’t want to see her relationship fail. I’m not afraid of speaking to his mum but I don’t want to make things worse.

Our relationships counsellor answers your problems

The main cause of her anxiety is her critical mother-in-law

Your daughter’s mother-inlaw sounds very difficult. However, it is probably best not to speak to her directly because, as you fear, it could make things worse. Also I don’t think she would take any notice – unreasonable people rarely listen to reason. The best thing to do, initially, is talk to your daughter and encourage her to find a way of helping her husband to stand up to his mum. He will find this difficult because of his history. The formative years are important in shaping how secure or insecure we feel, and often have a lifelong impact. The absence of his mother then her sudden return with a new baby will have left him feeling abandoned. This will have been exacerbated, of course, by never knowing his father and his mum’s refusal to talk about it. No wonder he fears her leaving again. So both of them need help with these issues. Your daughter could look at anxietyuk.org.uk for advice in finding therapists trained in supporting people with anxiety, but she should also see her GP as

She needs to find a way to help her husband stand up to his mum

she might need medication. Your son-in-law would probably find psychodynamic counselling (how the past impacts the present) useful – he could try bacp.co.uk or relate.org.uk. An alternative would be couples counselling to help them address the issue of his interfering mother. I also strongly advise that your daughter’s partner gets the door key back from his mother!