Mail Online

Why we’re putting the fun into funerals

From parties to fireworks, profane songs to fruit-shaped coffins, the business of death is no longer a grave affair. Francesca Hornak finds the trade in alternative sendoffs alive and kicking

he BBC reported recently that the cost-of-living crisis means ever more British families are being forced to dispense with traditional funerals in favour of a ‘direct’ or ‘unattended cremation’. This is exactly what it sounds like. For as little as £800 ( just 20 per cent of a traditional funeral cost and bookable online), your loved one will be collected and cremated. No mourners, no celebration. The ashes are mailed to the nominated recipient.

Columnist Jeremy Clarkson was quick to voice objections to the idea. ‘While I am very much a Yorkshire person and therefore extremely interested in saving money, I’m not sure I want to enter the Kingdom of Heaven through the slot in a post box,’ he railed.

And, at least on this subject, the nation is in agreement with Clarkson. The message? Make it cheap – or, if we really have to splash out, let’s at least have some fun!

That was very much the opinion of 76-year-old Linda Williams from High Wycombe. Suffering from incurable cancer, rather than have a funeral (‘miserable things’), last month she threw a party. Although so unwell that she had to have a cardboard cutout made in case she didn’t actually survive until the shindig, it turned out to be the ‘best night’ of her life.

Guests had to use the codeword ‘enigma’ to get into the party. Dressed as a Spitfire pilot, Williams (a 40s enthusiast) wore a parachute tied to her back, and kept going until one in the morning.

Two months after her death, aged 87, last June, Marina Smith MBE, a co-founder of the National Holocaust Museum, in Nottinghamshire, ‘attended’ her own funeral. One of the first adopters of newly available artificial-intelligence technology, Smith had been turned into a digital avatar by her son Stephen’s La-based company Storyfile.

Thanks to a series of prerecorded interviews and a ‘conversational video’, the late Smith was able to ‘answer’ questions from mourners about her life. Her son said the responses were more frank than those his mother would have given were she still alive.

Prince Philip was, it transpires, a personalised funeral trailblazer, helping design his own extra-long Land Rover. Vivienne Westwood issued a dress code (‘If in doubt, dress up’) for her funeral, adhered to by mourners Kate Moss and Victoria Beckham.

Meanwhile, new funeral price-comparison site Legacy of Lives has found increased demand for more colour at funerals, as well as eco-conscious coffins (more of which later), and a rise in ‘farewell fireworks’.

In the US, where the cost of dying is closer to £17,000, it’s no surprise that people are also looking for more affordable, personal sendoffs. This has boosted demand for build-your-own-coffin kits, either ordered online (one merchant offers a kit for around £600), or assembled at sociable group workshops. The Wall Street Journal reported last summer that some thrifty customers get more out of materials by using the parts of their DIY coffins as shelving while they’re alive. Presumably this has the benefit of reminding them to ‘live each day as if it were your last’ every time they pass their future tomb on the landing.

And if the thought of any wooden box makes you feel claustrophobic, there are now myriad other options. Most of us are familiar with wicker coffins (significantly cheaper than a traditional oak casket), but cosy wool or felt cocoons are another growth market. Or–if you want to ensure your final journey is environmentally sound – what about one made of cardboard? Online versions start at about £350, rising to around £500 for patterns or texturing

LINDA WAS SO UNWELL SHE HAD A CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF HERSELF MADE IN CASE SHE DIED BEFORE HER PARTY

(comparethecoffin.com), making this one of the best-priced options. If that feels like an anticlimax, Pinterest has pages of ‘unique casket ideas’, among them pineapple- and aircraft-shaped coffins.

During his rant Jeremy Clarkson highlighted a company that can turn your ashes into a vinyl record – perhaps of a personal message from you, or a piece of your favourite music. ‘But one day, someone would leave you on a radiator,’ he remarked, ‘and that would be that.’

It’s easy to be glib, as most of us have only two settings for discussing death: denial and humour. But there’s a growing move towards ‘death positivity’, with honest conversations about dying seen as crucial to a healthy society. Last year actress Kathy Burke launched her podcast Where There’s a Wake, There’s a Will. The theme: if you could plan your perfect death, what would you do? It has welcomed such guests as Dawn French, who spoke about her dreams of a solid gold coffin raised upright on Tamar Bridge, which crosses from Cornwall to Devon.

What’s more, people who work in the so-called alternative funeral industry feel that it has huge emotional benefits. ‘A funeral is designed to touch us, to connect us, to impact us,’ says Poppy Mardall, 39. She set up her own funeral company, Poppy’s, in Lambeth Cemetery, London, in 2012, after watching an exposé on the industry and feeling it must be possible to do better.

‘Religion can do that, tradition can do that. But so can the inclusion of the dead person’s recipe for jam on the order of service. Or the congregation singing a profane song that everyone knew the deceased loved. When a grieving person is supported in exploring their specific wishes, it can feel like the greatest possible expression of love, and act as a powerful foundation for their grief journey.’

The writer Clover Stroud made this expression a priority when her sister died in 2019 aged 46. The funeral for Nell, who founded Giffords Circus, was held in Gloucester Cathedral, with her pony present. ‘Nell was a very big character, so we knew that she would want something dramatic,’ says Stroud, whose book The Red of My Blood: A Death and Life Story, recounts her own experience of grief. ‘Horses were a big part of our lives, so putting them at the centre of her funeral felt so important. Finding something the lost beloved would like, and including it in the ceremony, is a wonderful way of giving them one last beautiful gift.’

‘Our own mortality frightens us so we avoid this conversation,’ says comedian Cariad Lloyd, 40, whose podcast Griefcast and book You Are Not Alone aim to get us discussing death. ‘But the more we talk about our wishes the less fear we have around our own deaths. And as anyone who’s had to wade through the sadmin will tell you, if someone has spoken about [what they want], the easier that terrible period can be.’

By the same token, most of us have sat through a funeral feeling that the service does not reflect the deceased. ‘I speak to many people who have traumatic memories of being sidelined from this core moment in their lives,’ says Mardall. ‘It’s sad and damaging – and a massive missed opportunity to say goodbye.’

So, unless you’re a fan of surprise parties, now is perhaps the time to make plans. After all, what if you do get to watch it all from the sky, and your children pick a fancy casket for you when you’d have preferred a thrifty brown box? Or they commission a leopard-print limo when you’d have opted for a Dickensian horse-drawn carriage? Or your spouse turns you into an LP and leaves it on the radiator? It’s worth thinking about, while you still can.

STYLE REPORT

en-gb

2023-03-26T07:00:00.0000000Z

2023-03-26T07:00:00.0000000Z

https://mailonline.pressreader.com/article/281998971704718

dmg media (UK)