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NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

Steve Bennett

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

After Boris Johnson told the United Nations that Kermit The Frog was wrong, world leaders agree they won’t listen to an ineffectual Muppet with a demanding partner whose only role is to be a laughing stock.

Britons remain baffled as to how we’ve long been told we’re creating too much carbon dioxide… yet now have a shortage.

TUESDAY

Insulate Britain protesters say their message about the lack of lagging in lofts must be getting through, as people keep telling them: ‘You’ve got nothing upstairs, mate.’

Meanwhile, motorists complain that the group’s disruptive motorway blockades are preventing them from going about their business – of sitting in a queue for an hour in the hope of getting some petrol.

WEDNESDAY

As the Labour Party conference draws to a close, members agree a plan to defeat their biggest opponents: other

Labour Party members.

Meanwhile, hard-up families say Keir Starmer’s 12,216-word navel-gazing treatise about the future of Left-wing politics is exactly what they need… as they can burn copies for warmth when the gas is cut off.

THURSDAY

As billionaire Elon Musk and musician Grimes split up, calculating how to divide their child X Æ A-12 by two becomes a new A-level algebra question.

Doctor Who fans celebrate the return of writer Russell T. Davies to the show, saying: ‘It’s about time.’

FRIDAY

TV presenter Holly Willoughby regrets listing The Moon as one of the employees for her new lifestyle brand, as it gets a rise every night.

Europe’s Ryder Cup team say they received a backlash for turning up to the tournament with fake cheese on their heads. ‘People thought we were crackers,’ one player explains.

SATURDAY

The new museum of antique mobile phones opens. Which is a fancy way of saying a bloke opened the bottom drawer in his kitchen…

Talk of the Town

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