NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly, irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Following confusion over ‘Plan B’ for the pandemic, Ministers detail their full Covid strategy. Plan A: Hope it all just goes away, like the fuel crisis, fidget spinners or issues with the Irish border. Plan B: Stringent mask mandates for everyone – unless they really don’t feel like it.

Plan C: Rollout of boosters in a ‘convivial, fraternal spirit’ which Covid hates. Plan D:

More draconian mask laws, like politely asking people to maybe wear them over their nose as well as their chin, if it’s not too much trouble. Plan E: Extra boosts to Boris’s speeches about saving Christmas. Plan F: Axe Christmas. Plan G: Lockdown so strict you can only leave your bedroom once a day to stare forlornly at your empty fridge.

TUESDAY

GPs deny it’s been too long since they held face-to-face meetings with patients, as it’s belatedly revealed why the Queen saw her doctor last week: her appointment about menopausal hot flushes finally came through.

After robot painter Ai-Da was released by Egyptian border guards, she takes her place among other giants of hightech art: Thomas Gainsborg, A. I. Weiwei and Robotticelli.

WEDNESDAY

The BBC introduces yet another new logo: Martin Bashir sitting atop a pile of burning fivers, flicking the V-sign.

Amid a shortage of nightclub bouncers, a massive tutorial day to skill up new staff turns out to be a flop because no trainers were allowed into the building.

THURSDAY

Plagued by misinformation, despicable ideologies and criminal scams, Facebook puts all its troubles to rest… by announcing its new name. The shortlist is: Marky Zuckerberg’s House Of Hate, HalfRemembered Acquaintances Reunited, The Friendly And Benign OmniSurveilloCorp, TikTok But For Old People, and Facey McFacebook.

FRIDAY

Supermarkets are plunged into fresh chaos as a new supply crisis leads to a shortage of cardboard pictures of veg.

After the UK agreed to give the haka war dance protected status under a New Zealand trade deal, Trade Minister AnneMarie Trevelyan announces she’s secured similar safeguards for the Floral Dance over there.

Steve Bennett