Commons’ crooks and cads – my handy guide

HERE’S my analysis of the different categories of MP I have known over the years...

IDEOLOGUES

THEY believe strongly in their vision of society and pursue certain issues relentlessly, so much so that in the tea room they are known as the Commons Bores. I’m rather fond of this type of colleague and regard them as characters.

CAREERISTS

DON’T really have any convictions. If they did, they’d jolly well soon jettison them in order to gain preferment.

They may have hoodwinked their selection committees to adopt them as candidates. They invariably sulk if they don’t succeed in their ambitions and always pose a risk they’ll change parties.

WHIPS’ NARKS

NO REAL backbone, never mind any convictions. They quickly realise that you need to do the whips’ bidding in order to get a job. They slavishly ask planted questions (no matter how stupid they might be), they defend the indefensible, and can be guaranteed to become a cheerleader whenever someone of authority in their party speaks – licking the boots of whoever is perceived to be the ‘Great One’ of the day.

PLAIN STUPID

WE ALL squirm with embarrassment at what they might have to say. Even if they had ambition, they wouldn’t have the intelligence to fulfil it.

MEDIA TARTS

ABSOLUTELY love being in the limelight. Used to be known as ‘rent-a-quotes’. Often pompous.

SANCTIMONIOUS

TERRIBLY serious.

Sickeningly sincere and very boring. They let it be known that they are well-educated and are from a good background. When they speak, they expect the House to be silent and to hang on their every word. They have inevitably perfected the art of delivering their pearls of wisdom, but you often hear them speaking with a catch or lump in their throat. Their family lives are usually horrendous!

‘BEST FRIENDS’

WHEN I first became an MP, I was shocked by how colleagues behaved to one another. One minute they would smile at you and engage in conversation, the next they would walk right past you as if you had never met.

GOOD GUYS/GIRLS

THERE are more of these than you would think. They are often discovered when you go abroad on parliamentary trips. They have invariably led an interesting life and are well-mannered, kind, generous and thoughtful.

They work on the maxim that it’s the little things in life count – pleases, thank-yous and handwritten notes. They make up by far the largest category of my colleagues.

CROOKS

THE most sad and depressing category. These MPs are not what they appear. You may think they are prosperous, when they are riddled with debt. They may seem to be happy, but the reverse is true. They may give the impression of being truthful, when in fact they are inveterate liars. Their lives inevitably implode and it is terribly sad when that happens.

NASTY ONES

BE IT jealousy or genuine dislike, they have it in for others. I am never quite sure what motivates them or what pleasure it gives them but they go out of their way to make life hell for the colleague that they are targeting. They do all this regardless of the consequences for the families of the colleague that they wish to destroy. This sort sometimes gets their comeuppance, but they invariably remain discontent.

HAPPY COLLEAGUES

MPs not entirely driven by ambition or, if they are, they manage to cover it up terribly well. They are a joy to know, good company and support. Whatever problems they have at home, they do not bring to work. They are in that relatively rare group of colleagues who are fully aware of their own limitations and know that not everyone can become Prime Minister!

As for which category I fall into, that is for my colleagues to decide. I would prefer not to know.