Mail Online

NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

Steve Bennett

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

After Boris Johnson’s bizarre Peppa Pig speech to the CBI, insiders are forced to admit that when he speaks of Churchill being his political hero, he may have meant the talking dog from the insurance firm advert. It’s also revealed that the Prime Minister doesn’t indulge in Peppa’s favourite activity, since he would be out of his depth in a puddle.

And following Boris’s vociferous endorsement of Peppa Pig World, Sir Keir Starmer waxes lyrical about his favourite place: Cloud Cuckoo Land.

TUESDAY

Priti Patel responds to being ‘uninvited’ to France for a migration meeting, saying: ‘See, they can stop the movement of people if they want to.’

Following the nationalisation of the latest failed energy supplier, Britain finally gets the answer to the question: How many Cabinet Ministers does it take to change a Bulb? (Answer: Zero – they will all talk about a brighter future but none will deliver it.)

WEDNESDAY

Campaigners protesting against water companies for discharging sewage into British rivers call for more transparency. Not in the data – in the actual water.

Scientists who created the world’s toughest jelly admit: ‘We really broke the mould with this one.’

THURSDAY

Fire investigators looking into the blaze that gutted a Michelinstarred thatched restaurant in Yorkshire describe it as a ‘flambé of desiccated wheat, quenched with a generous jus of acqua di rubinetto’.

FRIDAY

The intruder found in the I’m A Celebrity… castle is revealed to be just one of the ‘celebrities’ no one recognised.

After Paul McCartney disclosed that Ticket To Ride was inspired by a real trip to Ryde on the

Isle of Wight, the original names of some other Beatles hits are revealed: Yarrow Submarine, Can’t Buy Me Hove, Hey Bude, From Me To Uttoxeter and Eleanor Rugby.

News

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2021-11-28T08:00:00.0000000Z

2021-11-28T08:00:00.0000000Z

https://mailonline.pressreader.com/article/282415582558244

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