NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

TODAY

AFTER Boris Johnson says he ‘saw no evidence’ of whips threatening blackmail, nor recognised a party in his own garden while he was at it, Dominic Cummings suggests he really needs to get his eyes tested – and knows just the place.

MONDAY

FARROW & Ball releases its latest paint colour, Sous

Grey – a shade of whitewash.

NO10 admits its flurry of populist pledges last week was dubbed Operation Red Meat as it was not well done.

TUESDAY

THE agonising ‘sonic weapon’ the Home Office wanted to use against Channel migrants is revealed to be a recording of an Angela Rayner rant played at high volume. The idea was axed for being inhumane.

MATT Hancock insists he did nothing wrong by taking a dip in the Serpentine last week as he was only doing what he was always being told: Go jump in a lake.

WEDNESDAY

THE Government cracks down on banal announcements on trains. But not in Parliament.

CRISIS-hit Royal Mail bans its posties from playing the popular word game Wordle, saying that the aim of putting the right letters in the right slot goes against all its principles.

THURSDAY

THE Met Office doubles down on the doomsday climate change scenario that it outlined last week. A spokesman said: ‘In the future, scarce resources will lead to the collapse of government and the rule of law, with armed criminal militia prowling the land unchallenged. Followed by light showers and sunnier outbreaks spreading from the North.’

THE QUEEN is launching her own brand of tomato ketchup, according to a Royal sauce.

FRIDAY

ENGLAND’S cricket selectors sign Novak Djokovic for the next tour, since it took Australia several days to get him out.

AT HIS funeral, rock star Meat Loaf is mourned by his siblings Crusty, Sliced and Wholemeal. Meanwhile, cynics doubt the mainstream media narrative that Mr Loaf’s fame spread around the world thanks to Bat Out Of Hell, saying it’s more likely to have been a covered-up lab leak.

SATURDAY

AS 3D-printed salmon hits diners’ plates, critics say such artificial food is nothing new, as printers have been creating jams for decades.

POLICE on the trail of a shoplifter who stole a £6,000 guitar by hiding it in his trousers say they’re looking for a man whose G-string is showing.