Mail Online

NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

Steve Bennett

OUR weekly irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

After Nadine Dorries admits breaking Netflix’s terms by sharing her password, the Government rips up the streaming giant’s user agreement as yet another set of rules it finds too onerous to stick to.

TUESDAY

Following the conclusion of the High Court showdown between Rebekah Vardy and Coleen Rooney – assuming it doesn’t go into extra time or penalties – experts wonder if it couldn’t have been settled in a Wagistrates’ Court.

As cryptocurrency continues to crash, investors taken in by the slick marketing and promises of easy money complain of crippling financial pain as its stock plummets. Former supporters of Rishi Sunak say: ‘We know how you feel.’

WEDNESDAY

Celebrations are held in the eight towns about to be made cities, but commiserations that there will be no long-awaited upgrade for Furniture Village.

THURSDAY

Trials on whether sniffer dogs are good at detecting Covid are abandoned after it’s revealed that somebody misinterpreted the phrase ‘Get the Lab to test this.’

Medics say the rising number of monkeypox cases is worrying, but not yet an ape-idemic.

FRIDAY

The 68-year-old who became the oldest British climber to scale Everest admits he’s now forgotten what he went up there for…

Transport bosses draw up contingency plans in case the rail network is brought to a halt by strike action or – even worse – a leaf falling on to the tracks.

SATURDAY

The introduction of supermarket checkouts that let you pay for groceries with a smile sparks fears that Victoria Beckham could starve.

Platinum Jubilee

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