NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

TODAY

Clocks went forward, with Jacob Rees-Mogg confirming he asked his factotum to advance his steam chronometer to 1867.

MONDAY

Boris Johnson plans a huge campaign to win over voters in his constituency in case he gets suspended from Parliament. He may even break a habit and actually visit Uxbridge, saying: ‘It sounds like a great place… most of my chums went to uni there’ – until an aide pointed out he was thinking of Oxbridge.

TUESDAY

After King Charles’s visit to France was axed because of violent protests against plans to increase the retirement age from 62 to 64, the monarch accidentally fans unrest by muttering something about not starting his job until he was 73.

The BBC tells all its staff to stop using TikTok. And just one of them to stop using Twitter.

WEDNESDAY

Former PM Liz Truss confirms her resignation honours list, with supporters elevated to the Lords for services to hubris, cronyism and lettuce-marketing.

THURSDAY

Vulnerable householders are warned to check the identity of anyone calling at their door claiming to be from an energy company – as they could end up being stung for hundreds of pounds if the visitor turns out to be genuine.

Artist Ai Weiwei prepares his London exhibition in which he reimagines Monet’s water lilies in Lego. The link between the Chinese dissident and the toy brand was formed when they realised ‘Ai Weiwei’ is also the sound parents make when they step on bricks in their bare feet.

FRIDAY

After going down on one knee last week, 92-year-old Rupert Murdoch finally manages to get back up again.