QUOTES of the week

‘Hello literally everyone.’

Tweet from Twitter as tens of millions of people turn to its service after Facebook, WhatsApp and Instagram go offline. ‘They still absolutely stink but the shoes are back, the wedding ring is back and I’m back in the good books.’

Andy Murray is relieved after losing his ring, which was attached to the laces of his smelly trainers when they went missing. ‘I know there has been a certain raucous squawkus from the anti-Aukus caucus.’

Boris Johnson makes light of the major diplomatic row between Aukus – Australia, the UK and the US – and France.

‘We’re idiots – let that be a lesson.’

Claire Vickers, 46, who with Barry Douglas, 44, suffered broken shins and shattered feet after sneaking into Aldershot Lido at 2am and going on a water slide – without realising it was blocked at the end. ‘You’d better pay attention to that child – she’s going to put bread on the table.’ Bond star Lashana Lynch recalls the words of her grandmother to her mother as the young actress started her career. ‘I was basically unemployed when I was doing it. And I do it with trainers. It’s not doable for a lot of people.’

Pop star Adele reveals she lost more than 7st thanks to three fitness sessions a day during her time out of the spotlight. ‘Asbos for crusties.’ Nickname for new orders to deter more road protests by eco-fanatics. ‘Misogyny is absolutely wrong, whether it’s a man against a woman or a woman against a man.’ Justice Secretary Dominic Raab confuses the meaning of misogyny – hatred aimed specifically at women.

‘Don’t do it. There’ll be questions in Parliament.’

Theatre director Richard Eyre’s advice to Sarah Sands when the former Today programme editor contemplated dropping Thought For The Day.