Mail Online

NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

Steve Bennett

OUR irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

In a bid to fix two crises at once, Ministers ask if pigs can be taught to drive HGVs.

Boris Johnson’s levellingup agenda gets off to a great start, as everyone’s fuel bill ‘levels up’.

TUESDAY

One of Keir Starmer’s old school friends confirms they DID nickname him Special K… because he was beige, cardboardy and crumbled easily.

Insulate Britain reveal the new tactics they’re sure will win over even more supporters to their cause: punching babies and pushing Dame Judi Dench down the stairs.

WEDNESDAY

Boris Johnson is asked his verdict on the Pandora Papers, and says it’s the worst Adrian Mole book he’s ever read.

THURSDAY

Newcastle United report a surge in their fan base under new Saudi owners – entirely unrelated to the fact that cheering for opponents inside St James’ Park is now punishable by death.

FRIDAY

As tensions with China rise over Taiwan, Britain vows to deploy the full force of our military might… once we’ve finished vital work securing the Quality Street supply chain in time for Christmas.

Take That’s Gary Barlow records new songs to promote his wine-making venture, including Could It Be Malbec? and A Semillon Love Songs.

SATURDAY

The vicar who changed the name of her church from St Michael’s to St Mike’s to woo the young insists that it’s business as usual. She will continue to use King Jimmy’s Bible to spread the message of Jay-C and his crew.

Charlotte Griffiths Talk Of The Town

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