NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

FBI agents admit that when they raided Mar-a-Lago, the last thing they expected to find was evidence that Donald Trump had any hidden intelligence.

After the elusive Keir Starmer was spotted in Scotland last week, cynics say it’s just silly myth to attract tourists – and that what people actually witnessed was some dead wood in deep water drifting about aimlessly.

TUESDAY

‘I was not confused about which county I was in last week,’ Liz Truss says in an exclusive interview with the BBC’s Victoria Gloucestershire.

WEDNESDAY

Following the release of new

UFO images, the National Archives declassifies another blurry picture of a strange object unseen for 32 years. Experts believe they have identified it to be something called a ‘dentist’.

Meanwhile, the NHS says that if people really do need to have their teeth pulled, they should watch BBC Breakfast as the effect is very much the same.

THURSDAY

Pupils in England receive their A-level results, finally determining which university’s lecturers they will be trying to cancel later this year.

Britons are increasingly taking to ‘quiet quitting’ – doing the very least they can in jobs they are not interested in doing – according to a new survey of two households in Downing Street.

FRIDAY

Domino’s reveals that it never meant to close all of its Italian pizza outlets… but once one collapsed, all the rest toppled one after another.

Producers of the controversial new play depicting Joan of Arc as non-binary further anger traditionalists by rebranding it as a Christmas story, since it’s all about no ‘elle’.