QUOTES of the week

‘Time and tide wait for no one. Neither do crises. They don’t take holidays and they don’t politely hang fire.’

Gordon Brown appears to take a swipe at Sir Keir Starmer, who has been on holiday while the costof-living crisis takes hold. ‘Carriages at midnight. Ambulances at 2am. Wheelbarrows at 5pm. Hearses at daybreak.’ Invitation to J.R.R. Tolkien’s ‘coming of age’ party, as revealed in a new book in memory of the author’s son Christopher. ‘Good to know there are two of us in the family with a brain.’ Rocker Liam Gallagher, who was expelled from school at 16, congratulates daughter Molly after she graduates. ‘If I were a guy I’d be out there winning while my wife was doing the physical labour of expanding our family.’ Serena Williams, who is quitting tennis to have more children. ‘Hoping his dance partner isn’t

Steve Morrow.’ Twitter user after ex-England star Tony Adams joins Strictly. Adams broke Morrow’s arm after accidentally dropping him during a post-match celebration. ‘Joan was this workingclass young person who was transgressing gender at a time when it was really dangerous, and that felt instantly relatable to me.’

Writer Charlie Josephine,

whose new play portrays Joan of Arc as non-binary. ‘I feel like the child in the Emperor’s New Clothes… we need more of that child pointing out the truth and saying this isn’t right.’

Former Tory leadership contender Kemi Badenoch on why she has challenged lobby group Stonewall on gender issues. ‘When we went to arrest him, our officers noticed a large bear breathing in the address.’

Rochdale police after finding fugitive Joshua Dobson hiding inside a giant teddy.