NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Lady Susan Hussey gives her first interview following the Buckingham Palace racism row. She says her line of questioning was misunderstood and wants to explain to the world where she was coming from. Where she was really coming from, originally.

Japan play their round-of-16 World Cup game against Croatia, hoping to draw a line under last week’s VAR controversy. Well, not under it, exactly, just a little to the side of it…

TUESDAY

Protests continue to sweep China as people demand to be let out of their houses, baffling UK civil servants who are demanding to permanently stay in theirs.

WEDNESDAY

After Bear Grylls revealed that he has renamed his alarm clock an ‘opportunity clock’, firefighters are called to his home after the ‘unexpected free heating vuvuzela’ goes off.

THURSDAY

Fears grow for turkey supplies this Christmas as yet another supermarket chain says its stock is poultry.

FRIDAY

After Unesco granted the French baguette protected status given their cultural significance, the British demand the same for Findus Crispy Pancakes, spaghetti hoops and Angel Delight.

Since expressing his support for Hitler, Kanye now becomes the second-worst West, behind Bromwich Albion.

SATURDAY

Chaos hits the Upper Witherham Players’ pantomime production of Snow White as Sneezy is forced to self-isolate, Doc says he can only commit to appearing in person in four to six weeks, and Sleepy is off running the US.