QUOTES of the week

‘What’s so fascinating about this is nearly all the critics appear to be women attacking another woman with an extraordinary amount of aggression.’ Broadcaster Nick Ross defends Fiona Bruce after she was accused of trivialising domestic violence. ‘Jeremy’s following do not have that great a knowledge about farming – I have had to explain to people that beefburgers come from a cow.’

Caterer Annabel Gray tells a public planning inquiry that Jeremy Clarkson’s Diddly Squat farm is helping to educate families. ‘They want me to have more sex in the novel. Me? I thought I was quite good at sex.’

Jilly Cooper, who has been asked by her publisher to make her new book even raunchier. ‘We recognise that this guide has its origins in English, the language of a colonising nation. We acknowledge the Anglosupremacy of the sector as part of its coloniality.’ Oxfam issues a a bizarre ‘inclusive’ language guide to staff which outlaws phrases such as mother, father and elderly. ‘The thing is, you all speak differently…

Some people I just don’t know… I’m like, “Are we speaking the same language?”’

Strictly judge Motsi Mabuse is confused by British accents. ‘The year before I was hobnobbing with Stormzy and Elton John. This time I was sitting in A&E next to a Scottish gentleman who smelled of Special Brew.’

Comic Jack Whitehall, whose model girlfriend Roxie Horner, right, collapsed at the Brits due to her type 1 diabetes.