NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Whitehall is shocked as the suspect caught driving erratically while trying desperately to get into Downing Street turns out not to be Suella Braverman.

TUESDAY

Phillip Schofield is spotted pushing to the front of the dole queue.

For a follow-up to their Chelsea Flower Show stunt, eco protesters spray orange paint around a Newcastle nightclub, leaving the women there entirely unchanged.

WEDNESDAY

The Government says it intends to follow France’s lead in banning internal flights for journeys that can be completed in less than two and half hours by train. Which might just about cover Bradford to Leeds.

News that the Government has told railway operators they can end free wi-fi comes as a devastating blow for all passengers who enjoy the strong internet connection you can get for about four minutes outside Milton Keynes.

THURSDAY

The TikTokker arrested for terrifying people by entering homes uninvited is given a job fitting prepayment meters for British Gas.

After Pink Floyd star Roger Walters evoked Nazi imagery at his live show, critics suggest maybe he does need some education after all.

FRIDAY

The expert who made a soundtrack of the noises mushrooms make for the Chelsea Flower Show releases it as an album. Tracks include Girls

Just Wanna Have Funghi, Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Porcini and, of course, We Are The Champignons. It grows on you.

SATURDAY

As Amsterdam introduces its ban on smoking marijuana in the street, ‘Keep off the grass’ signs go up across the city.