ADULTERER

In my 30s I married a verbally and physically abusive man who raped me. He conditioned me into thinking I couldn’t manage without him, although I eventually left after more than a decade. While I was getting back on my feet, I stupidly got involved with a married man who’d had four previous affairs. He left his wife and small children to be with me, for which I now feel deep shame. I’m in my 60s and still involved with him, even though the intervening time has been a mess. I have made some terrible mistakes, including getting involved with a guy I met online who I thought was a friend but who became a stalker. I let him have sex with me after he told me he would kill himself if I didn’t. My on/off partner was furious. Even though he is back with his wife, he goes on about how I betrayed him after he had given up everything for me. My feelings have changed and I’ve told him I only want to be friends, but he’s verbally aggressive about the lack of sex. He admits to being abusive, but says I bring it on myself by not showing him affection. I feel I’ve wasted many years, and I’m riddled with guilt about his wife.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Perhaps you have made some unwise decisions, but you had been subjected to so much trauma and abuse. I don’t think you need to feel guilty

OUR RELATIONSHIPS COUNSELLOR ANSWERS YOUR PROBLEMS

He admits to being abusive but says I bring it on myself

about a serial adulterer leaving his wife for you. You were in a vulnerable state and needed to feel loved and protected – and I expect he turned on the charm. Sadly, however, this relationship doesn’t sound much better than the one with your ex-husband. Even if this man seemed kind once, his actions are now not those of someone loving. This is classic manipulative and controlling behaviour – blaming you for his own abusive actions and attempting to bully you into sex. Unfortunately, it’s the same pattern with the stalker who tried to make you feel sorry for him in order to have a physical relationship. I believe this stems from your abusive marriage

– and perhaps even further back, to a damaging childhood. Your self-esteem has been eroded to a point where you feel you need to do whatever a man wants, even if it’s against your own wishes – and your expectations from relationships are very low. I urge you strongly to have counselling to help build your self-worth and

Even if he seemed kind once, he doesn’t act like someone loving

leave this man behind (try relate.org.uk or bacp.co.uk). In your longer letter you say that, in spite of everything, you have a good career, friends and your own home. So please try not to see your life as wasted – these are remarkable achievements in the face of all you have endured. I think it’s a wonder you have survived, and there is still plenty of time to make the future better.