NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

AN IRREVERENT look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

The Government is urged to come up with a better immigration strategy to offer succour to those fleeing the vicious civil war… within the Conservative Party.

Robert Jenrick insists he quit as Immigration Minister on a matter of principle. The principle being that he fervently believes he should be next Tory leader.

TUESDAY

As COP28 comes to an end, delegates proudly announce that they’ve achieved net zero. And they’ll reconvene next year to achieve nothing yet again.

The European Union formally approves new laws to regulate artificial intelligence.

With its terrifying ability to generate huge quantities of almost human-sounding text out of absolutely nothing, the EU is based in Brussels.

WEDNESDAY

Royal author Omid Scobie takes his Advent calendar back to the shop, unused, insisting he already knows what’s going on behind closed doors.

Gardeners facing a ban on giant rhubarb are warned by police that the punishment for ignoring the order is custardy.

THURSDAY

After ‘rizz’ – short for ‘charisma’ – was named Oxford Dictionary’s word of the year (presumably edging out the cost-of-living cry of ‘how much?!’) young people immediately stop using it and it is forgotten for ever.

FRIDAY

Following the loss of DNA data from the website 23andMe, police say they’ve got their most appropriate copper on the case: DCI Gene Hunt, pictured below.

There’s a backlash after Lidl scraps ‘use by’ dates on its yogurts, with critics and store bosses facing a culture war.

SATURDAY

Panto bosses deny kowtowing to the woke agenda after being pressured into dropping a song teasing vegans. Also, Mother Goose now lays tofu nuggets.